A miscarriage isn’t usually a topic of conversation, a lot of people shy away from having this talk with someone hurting. Of which I could understand, loss of a baby isn’t something anyone wants to talk about. I sure don’t, but it happens, it happened to me and statistically happens in 1 in 4 women.
This isn’t going to be an easy topic to discuss. I’ve been putting off writing about my miscarriage. I had prepared a blog post with the good news about my pregnancy then it happened. The unexpected became a reality for our family. In the beginning of November I found out I was pregnant with our second child. It wasn’t something we planned, once again but this time it wasn’t scary. It was comforting to know I’ve already gone through this. I knew what to expect.
With my first pregnancy I remember feeling overwhelmed with what would come with having a baby. I’m sure most women feel the same. But now I felt confident in what I was doing.
I started showing incredibly early, I was really bloated, especially at night. I honestly looked 3-4 months pregnant when night time rolled around. Within 4 days of finding out I was expecting, I had already gained 5 pounds. I couldn’t believe how fast this was happening. I didn’t have any nausea like with my first, or any issue to cause concern.
Pregnancy was going well until December 30th, 2015. New Year’s Day was just around the corner and we had just had a lovely Christmas with close & extended family at a house we rented in Orlando for 11 days. Everything was awesome.
I went for a walk with Nico as I religiously do daily, but as we got further from the house I felt something like a period. There was blood. I tried to get back inside the house as quickly as possible, trying to convince a toddler to get back inside the house when we just left isn’t fun.
Some phone calls and was in an E.R. within the hour. I remember feeling some cramping in the morning but I’ve felt that before and read it’s normal to feel cramps.
As I’m laying in the hospital bed waiting to be examined, I kept thinking to myself this was nothing. I was fine, the baby was fine but it wasn’t fine. We weren’t fine. They didn’t find a heartbeat and I was sent home and told to expect a miscarriage soon. I was 8 weeks and 4 days along. I couldn’t believe what was happening. I still can’t.
Next Day was New Year’s Eve. Why do tragedies have to happen during holidays? It’s so difficult to be around happy people when you are feeling miserable. I heard a lot of… “You’ll have more children”, “God knows what he’s doing” and more of the same. I was told by the ER doctor that it wasn’t anything I had done and sometimes these things happen. I get it. But it still isn’t comforting.
I imagined a miscarriage was something more simple than what it was. I had never experienced one and never had a conversation with any other woman that had one. I’ll tell you, it’s not simple and it was a horrifying experience. I will write more about the topic of miscarriage more. How it happened to me, what to look for and what do to do/say to someone you are close to that has experienced it or just had it happen themselves.
I hope this brings some awareness to the pain of miscarriage. It’s something that is talked about so little. If you have gone through it, I’m so sorry you have lost your little baby. They will always be a part of our lives no matter how little they spent with us.
At this time I’m silently grieving. The world around me keeps moving but a part of me is stuck. Days and Nights go by. Day to day activities continue. Laundry still needs to get done and dinners still need to be made. But my world isn’t the same.
Thank you for reading.
Below you’ll find some pictures of my second pregnancy. If you’re a praying person… say a little one for me and all the mamas that have suffered through this. Thanks again.
Books to read
1.For the Love: Fighting for Grace in a World of Impossible Standards by Jen Hatmaker
2.The Absorbent Mind by Maria Montessori
3.Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom by Pamela Druckerman
4.Praying Circles Around Your Children by Mark Batterson