A search for belonging—when you’re not Brazilian or American Enough.
Am I a hybrid of some sorts that now has an additional limb?
These are the thoughts that tend to cross my mind in the shower—oh glorious shower thoughts.
We all want to belong one way or another, we find like minded groups of people to share our lives with.
People we share common interests with and other defining characteristics but this is where the line gets mumble for me and lot of other people that have immigrated.
Let me get you up to speed with a little story.
I was born in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil—the land of hot summers, samba, and killings? To tell you the truth, I’m not sure, I didn’t get a good look at most of that.
From what I hear, I didn’t have a typical upbringing than what most Brazilian people I’ve encountered—I guess you can call me privileged? There wasn’t any struggle, violence, or lack in any way.
Private schools, tutors, extracurricular activities, and heck —even a chauffeur to drive us to and fro was in the mix.
Why would anyone want to move away from that?
Who knows? But my parents did—and at 11 years old I landed in Sunny South Florida.
Fast forward to today—after 25 years of living in the United States, we (husband, myself, and young son) decide to take a chance and embark on an adventure over to Europe.
We land in Portugal? Why Portugal you ask? No reason in particular other than it was easier for us as Brazilians to become legal residents without too much fuss. (You’ll find a few posts on Portugal by using the search option on my site)
Now here’s my little conundrum—I don’t really identify as a full-blown Brazilian—I’m sure I have some quirks or attributes that may not be so apparent at first that could remind you that I’m Brazilian.
But am I?
Does being born somewhere make you that? Don’t get me wrong—I think it’s fun being a Brazilian (albeit, I’m probably one of the few Brazilians that aren’t as fun) which might disappoint or not a few people.
Living in Portugal has made me think hard about who I am? Now that I’ve left the U.S. behind should I embrace my own culture more?
Is it my culture? What am I embracing?
In preparation for the move, I began searching for Brazilians on social media. From all walks of life—I’ve been following nutritionists, marketing gurus, psychiatrists, stay-at-home moms, fashion influencers, and others.
Consuming their content has made me feel more “at home” with my Brazilian side.
Instagram has turned into a learning tool—in which I sit and observe carefully how Brazilians are. How they speak, act, and think.
Something to keep in mind— I was in the middle of 5th grade when we moved. Thankfully my parents attended an all Brazilian church and owned Brazilian stores.
Now that I think back, most of my “people” were in the same boat (no pun intended) as me—people that had assimilated to American culture but still had Brazilian characteristics and customs.
This act kept my foot in both cultures—but with time the Brazilian side has dwindled which comes to the conclusion of this story and arrives at the point I originally brought up.
No longer in the U.S., I’m mostly Brazilian in Portugal—that’s what my name, face, body, and birth certificate say.
For fun, we add an additional limb or layer to the party and move to Portugal—our colonizers.
Which from what I hear don’t hold Brazilians in the highest regard. But that’s a subject for another time.
Do I have a final conclusion? Do I know where I belong?
Sadly, I’m not there yet—but it’s this self-awareness and desire to look further inward that will lead me to find the answer— an answer I think we’re all ultimately searching.
Where do I belong?
Accepting that I will always be less of something but 100% myself.
Getting closer to Brazilian culture has been a step in the right direction by recognizing & celebrating my roots I’m embracing part of myself that was once lost.
Thank you for reading.
Ellen Oliveira
