Oh The Guilt // Dealing With Separation Anxiety

I’m sure moms and dads out there can relate. The guilt of going back to work and leaving your child in the care of someone else.

I for one have only left Nico with my mother-in-law maybe twice, once I did my nails (shame) and the other time I had a haircut (double shame).  Once with my mother( she lives 5 hours away) while I renewed my passport. But he was younger and had no clue what was going on around him.  Now, things are different. He doesn’t stay put. He knows EXACTLY who I am.  Quiet time is only when he’s sleeping. He’s constantly on the move and trying to grab things he shouldn’t or getting up on things and I have to keep up. 
I am now feeling the guilt, guilt of wanting to start singing again. The time commitment is pretty steep. I volunteer at Church by the Glades and have been turning down every single time I’ve been scheduled to sing. Not because I don’t want to sing but because Nico is so attached to me, he doesn’t stay with anyone and I’m not about to let my baby cry over me wanting to sing.  How could this be made possible? The schedule is as follow, at least when I was singing back in the day. 
Saturday call time
1:00 pm
Leave depending on whether we need to do a reprise at the end of the service, do it will either be around 6:30 or 7:15 pm
Sunday’s call time
9:00 am
Leave around 1:00 pm
Only to be back around 5:00 pm & leave at 7:00 pm
It’s too for my little guy that has maybe been away from me a max of two hours all of his life and for me to, I mean separation anxiety isn’t just for babies. I too feel anxious about leaving him.  It’s a double edged sword. You want to go but you want to stay at the same time.
So that leaves me in a conundrum. The guilt and anxiety of leaving your child in the care of someone else is just too much for this mama to handle.

I’ve come up with a plan that I hope to institute soon.  Little by little I will start giving tasks to either my husband or some other family member to do and eventually I hope he’ll grow accustomed to not having me be his everything, which I currently am. Maybe a bath here and there, feedings, diaper changes.  I don’t know how I got myself in this position in the first place. Why did I become it all? It’s exhausting. Oh how I wish my mother was near by.  Let’s be honest here, I can’t help but feel comfortable with her taking care of him and somehow that eases my anxiety.  But leaving him with anyone else just makes me a little more cautious. I don’t want to smother my child in any way but I’m the perfect caregiver and I feel that I’m somehow letting him down by having someone other than myself take care of him.  I know it’s ludicrous to think that, but I do. 

When will this feeling go away? I just now answered my own question. I’m not sure how he’ll deal with me being away, but It seems that I’m the one that has the bigger issue here.  HELP! 

You think my strategy will work? What has worked for you? Let this anxious mama know. PLEASE.

One thought on “Oh The Guilt // Dealing With Separation Anxiety”

  1. Ellen you just got to rip the bandaid off, I used to feel like that about Ben. I know that NO one will ever care for them like their own mothers, and they know that that's why they act like they do. I used to think Ben would be miserable if I wasn't around but when I come home and he is with my mom, husband, mother in law, brother etc…he is perfectly fine and happy. As soon as I walk in the door then he starts acting up, crying. If you want to start taking baby steps leave him one afternoon with me and go do your nails (something that takes 1hr or less)…he'll have Ben as entertainment. You def. need to be able to do your own thing too! 🙂

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