My World Just Isn’t The Same, I’m not Fine…Not really.

pain-miscarriage-shame

Hello,

This isn’t going to be easy. I’ve been putting off writing about this. I had written a blog post several weeks ago with good news then it happened. The unexpected became a reality for our family. In the beginning of November I found out I was pregnant with our second child. It wasn’t something we planned, once again but this time it wasn’t scary. It was comforting to know I’ve already gone through this. I knew what to expect.

With my first pregnancy I remember feeling overwhelmed with what would come with having a baby. I’m sure most women feel the same.  But now I was confident in what I was doing.

I started showing incredibly early, I was really bloated, especially at night. I honestly looked 3-4 months pregnant when night time rolled around. Within 4 days of finding out I was expecting, I had already gained 5 pounds. I couldn’t believe how fast this was happening. I didn’t have any nausea like with my first, or any issue to cause concern.

Pregnancy was going well until December 30th, 2015. New Year’s Day was just around the corner and we had just had a lovely Christmas with close & extended family at a house we rented in Orlando for 11 days. Everything was awesome.

I went for a walk with Nico as I religiously do daily, but as we got further from the house I felt something like a period. There was blood.  I tried to get back inside the house as quickly as possible, trying to convince a toddler to get back inside the house when we just left isn’t fun. I made some phone calls and was in an E.R. within the hour. I remember feeling some cramping in the morning but I’ve felt that before and read it’s normal to feel cramps.

As I’m laying in the hospital bed waiting to be examined, I kept thinking to myself this was nothing. I was fine, the baby was fine but it wasn’t fine. We weren’t fine. They didn’t find a heartbeat and I was sent home and told to expect a miscarriage soon. I was 8 weeks and 4 days along. I couldn’t believe what was happening. I still can’t.

Next Day was New Year’s Eve. Why do tragedies have to happen during holidays? It’s so difficult to be around happy people when you are feeling miserable. I heard a lot of… “You’ll have more children”, “God knows what he’s doing” and more of the same. I was told by the ER doctor that it wasn’t anything I had done and sometimes these things happen. I get it. But it still isn’t comforting.

I imagined a miscarriage was something more simple than what it was. I had never experienced one and never had a conversation with any other woman that had one. I’ll tell you, it’s not simple and it was a horrifying experience. I will write more about the topic of miscarriage more. How it happened to me, what to look for and what do to do/say to someone you are close to that has experienced it or just had it happen themselves.

I hope this brings some awareness to the pain of miscarriage.  It’s something that is talked about so little. If you have gone through it, I’m so sorry you have lost your little baby.  They will always be a part of our lives no matter how little they spent with us. At this time I’m silently grieving. The world around me keeps moving but a part of me is stuck. Days and Nights go by.  Day to day activities continue. Laundry still needs to get done and dinners still need to be made. But my world isn’t the same.

Thank you for reading.

Below you’ll find some pictures of my second pregnancy. If you’re a praying person… say a little one for me and all the mamas that have suffered through this. Thanks again.

 young-love-mommy-blog

Books to read

1.For the Love: Fighting for Grace in a World of Impossible Standards by Jen Hatmaker
2.The Absorbent Mind by Maria Montessori
3.Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom by Pamela Druckerman
4.Praying Circles Around Your Children by Mark Batterson 

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Miscarriage first trimester 2015 november 2016 january 881

20 thoughts on “My World Just Isn’t The Same, I’m not Fine…Not really.”

  1. Ellen, nunca passei por esta experiência mas amigas próximas passaram. Eu não consigo imaginar sua dor, principalmente porque você já é mãe e por isso já sabe como tudo será…. Que o seu coração encontre a paz e a confiança que você precisa, sabendo que Deus é soberano sobre todas as coisas. Certamente estou com você em oração e se possível fosse te levaria pra tomar café e te daria um abraço!!! Que este tempo seja breve. Beijos!

  2. I am so so sorry to hear that. I suffered a miscarriage when I was trying to get pregnant w my second and it is so so hard and affects every momma in a different way. I am thinking of you!!!

  3. I am so sorry you had to go through that. I personally haven't experienced it (I can't even imagine how hard that would be) but I do know a number of friends who have. Thank you for sharing your story because people need to hear others experiences so they can get through it themselves.

  4. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope that you have plenty of love and support surrounding you to help you through this. It's not easy. please talk about it when you want to. Being able to express how you're feeling is so important to your well being. At least, in my experience. Many hugs.

  5. Praying for you, Ellen. I went through a miscarriage at almost 12 weeks, ands I can relate to the emotional roller coaster. Though that was 9 years ago, I still carry with me the hope of one day meeting my child in heaven.

  6. My heart is just breaking for you reading this. You are so brave for sharing your story and I am just so glad that you did. I'm sure you have touched so many hearts reading your words. The thing about miscarriage is that people often don't talk about it. You will always be that little one's mama – if only for a short time on earth – forever in heaven. Definitely praying for you and your family.

  7. I have been thinking about you a lot lately and just wanted to check in and let you know. I have been here and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Sending hugs and prayers of encouragement your way. ❤️

  8. My heart hurts for you and while i haven't experienced this firsthand, my best friend has miscarried twice. I know from her how gutwrenching it is. Prayers for you to be strengthened somehow through this as you pass all the "would have been" milestones. Your beautiful baby was not an accident. He or she was in your womb for some reason. One day when the earth is new everything will be whole and complete and perfect as it should be and was created to be! 🙂 -Hugs

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