I have to admit ever since I gave birth my life kinda went into a spiral! Having an unwanted caesarean took me by surprise so much that I really haven’t taken control of my life entirely. Everything literally feels out of whack since. I don’t know why I still haven’t been able to get things to fall in line. I am 21 months postpartum, that’s almost 2 years and I’m still haunted by it.
I’m sure partly it’s because motherhood is different every single day. Today might be that your child skipped a nap or didn’t sleep enough. Maybe they woke up with a runny nose. Maybe you just couldn’t get to the laundry today. There’s always something off. Although there is the occasional “perfect” day… if you want to call it that. But it feels like as moms we are always playing catch-up.
If you’re a first time mom like myself, hang in there! It’s a roller coaster ride daily and sometimes it’s a ride you want to get off of right away. Sometimes it isn’t fun and it’s a whole lot of work and that’s because I have ONE child. I couldn’t imagine handling more. But does it every just fall into place? Do we ever stop playing catch-up? I remember waking up after surgery and it was just a blur. What happened? What do I do? Moving hurts so much? I remember feeling defeated. Like I lost something and I did lose it. I was prepared. I wrote down my birth plan like they recommend you do but it all went out the window.
It feels like nothing fits anymore. I remember when I came home from the hospital and getting up out of bed was so painful, even with the pain medication. Crying was also big. I couldn’t help but think, everything is ruined now. I’m never going to have anymore kids. How will I? I don’t want another c-section and I started to read up on VBAC’s (Vaginal Birth After Caesarean). Yes, tons of women have them, but there is a higher risk associated with them, for mom and baby.
So how do you choose?
How do you choose? Suffer through another unwanted surgery? Or risk it by having a VBAC and hope everything works out for the best? Having children terrified me before hand. Having any type of surgery even worse. I didn’t have an emergency c-section. I was “calmly” rolled into the surgical room. But was that the best choice? I was progressing along fine, not as quickly as the doctor wanted but the baby and I were fine. Up until the doctor came in and said if we continued the baby would be in distress.
I kept re-living that moment for a long time, and asking myself questions. I couldn’t accept what had happened to me. I didn’t read up on what could go wrong. I didn’t even think of the possibility of that happening. I was healthy, everything went great throughout my pregnancy. I didn’t even bother reading about anything that I didn’t want to have happen to me. I think partly that was my mistake, I was so naive to think birth goes according to plan. Nothing in life goes according to plan but for some reason I disregarded that and kept on thinking everything was going to work out.
So what’s my advice to you mom planning to give birth naturally?
Think about possible outcomes and how you would behave in that situation (if you could choose, obviously) What if you were to have a c-section? What if it was an emergency? I know it’s tough to think about the things we don’t want or like but what if? I urge you to be prepared for every possible outcome and plan ahead. Being lost isn’t a feeling I enjoy and having my choice taken away has had a long term effect on me. You can read My Birth Story and also 12 things I wish I had Done Before Giving Birth for more insights if you’re still on your journey to parenthood.
I hope everything in your birth plan goes/went according to how you hope/hoped but if it doesn’t/didn’t know that there are other women in that position and talking about it openly helps tremendously. And if you are in the same boat I am in… (((Hugs))) I feel you mama and I’m here for you.
Have you gone through something similar? What were some things that helped you cope with an unwanted C-section? Please share in the comments below and let’s encourage one another. (Don’t forget to share with your expecting friends)
Thanks for stopping in!
For the Love: Fighting for Grace in a World of Impossible Standards by Jen Hatmaker
The Absorbent Mind by Maria Montessori
Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom by Pamela Druckerman